Five Types of Dark Thoughts Men Share With Me...
And what they each offer in terms of deeper truths for us to discover...
The conversation usually begins with…
“I’m fine… I guess…”
If I stay present ~ not pushing too hard but not deflecting either ~ they offer up a little more…
“Well actually… I have been having some dark thoughts.”
The door is opened a crack and what happens next ~ to me ~ is a great honour and a revelation each time.
What a man dares to cough it up in my presence is always a gift.
What was once unspeakable becomes relatable.
The world feels a little less burdened.
And I feel personally relieved.
I have had my own share of dark thoughts.
Holding them in almost killed me twenty years ago.
Lets talk about the five kinds of dark thoughts and what deeper nuggest of truth each may hold…
1. Guilty Thoughts
These are thoughts that usually start with some version of…
”I feel bad about _________…”
Sometimes these thoughts come out of a deeper sense of integrity. When we act in ways that are crossing boundaries and breaking agreements we have made with others and ourselves.
And sometimes, these guilty thoughts are not intrinsic, but come from breaking of some external taboos.
These types of guilt ridden thoughts are about secret pleasures and fantasies that are forbidden or frowned upon.
Sharing these thoughts and sifting through them leads men to great clarity about where they are out of integrity and where they are simply defying cultural norms and permission to do so bravely, consciously and in solidarity with others.
2. Angry & Violent Thoughts…
This one is tricky.
I mentor and guide many men who consider themselves to be “good guys”. And I would say they (ahem ~ we ~ counting myself in) are conscientious and caring type of men.
So, when angry and violent thoughts arise in our heads, it can feel very foreign and disturbing.
Sometimes these thoughts are a natural consequence of repressing every day annoyances and angry reactions… simmering into pent up resentments and agitated irate feelings.
Other times, they feel even more foreign and beguiling. Often, I find men have the more violent thoughts at night. A desire to slice on’s own wrist, or to punch a neighboor, or shoot someone in the news.
Rather than pathologizing ourselves, I see ~ again and again ~ that once we share these thought outloud, we start to unravel their mysterious origon.
Often, it comes down to not respecting our own limits and over giving (till we are bled dry). Or that we feel insulted or threatened by someone or a group of people.
3. Mournful Longing Thoughts…
These types of thoughts also seem to take men by surprise.
Often, they will say…
“Man, I dunno why I am obsessing so much about…”
And they will talk with sorrow and ennui about their deceased dog, or family member, the end of a relationship and the absence of a job, or the estrangement from a place that used to give them a sense of belonging.
Sometimes, the longing will be more diffuse and existential: as a longing for something greater, a sense of purpose, or to be part of some group or cause… or more connected to nature and themselves.
The more men share these thoughts, the more tears come and a deep sense of relief enters their bodies.
To honour our grief ~ for all that we have lost and all that we have not yet experienced ~ is a most sacred and beautiful experience (IMO) to witness and experience together.
Also, over time, I see men who allow these thoughts to spill out and be heard, tend to slowly and surely find ways to deepen and enrich their previously barren lives.
4. Anxious Thoughts…
I am 49 and have spent decades as a therapist and men’s leader and it was not until the last few years that I came into fuller acceptance of my anxious and fearful thoughts.
Whether they are about being killed on the road (I had three near death accidents so it was based in reality for me) or not being able to provide enough for ourselves and our families…
Men are not allowed to have anxious thoughts.
Society either tells us we have a disorder of thinking and an imbalance of chemicals in our brain that will be easily and magically fixed with the right meds.
Men’s macho culture (and New agey pop cultural self-help) both tells us to dismiss anxiety as “not real”, that we should just suck it up, not be a fraidy cat and apply some positive jedi mindset (bullshit) trick.
So, on top of anxious thoughts we tend to also have self-judgy thoughts (see #5). A cocktail of both leading to feeling utterly depressed.
Back to the anxious thoughts for a moment… if we dare to share them, we discover…
Many men share these worries and concerns. We’re not “weak pussies” for having them. We are aware men who want to address them.
Some of our anxieties are warranted. Some are exagerations, but all have something valid to tell us about what we care about that feels under threat.
We can borrow courage and inspiration from one another to face our fears and derive great meaning and purpose in doing so together.
5. Judgy and Shameful Thoughts…
These are the hardest thoughts and come with sticky yucky dreadful and disgusting feelings. Ugh.
I have spend 20+ years mostly helping men clear out the toxic load in their bodies and minds that comes from holding such thoughts.
Whether we experience shame as turning against ourselves through self loathing…
“I’m such a fucking idiot. Who could ever love me. I will never be enough..”
Or whether we are snorting the cocaine like high of righteous contempt where we believe that we are better than others…
“They are such a fucking moron. Why do I always have to pick up their mess?”
It is all coming from the same toxic brew of what we call “core shame”.
The exact insults and judgments do not matter.
The gist is the same.
Someone is inferior while another is superior.
And the felt sense in the body ~ which we spend a lifetime trying to escape ~ is one of nausea and disgust.
To air the toxic fumes of shame/contempt is a powerful experience that catalyzes men in a group.
Suddenly, it is ok to talk about how we really feel deep down about ourselves and others.
And over time, the beautiful paradox here is that we discover that these thoughts are the most distorted and deceptive.
When we speak shameful thoughts outloud in a space of acceptance and love, we start to break it’s spell over us.
We start to find a deeper presence in ourselves that defies all labels ~ good or bad ~ and finds the notion of being better than or less than another utterly hilarious.
What to do with this darkness?
I’ve made it my life’s work to help create space for men to share their darkest thoughts ~ whether shamey, violent, guilty, sad or fearful ~ and liberate themselves in the presence of other men.
There is a process also of refining our thoughts and releasing the emotional pain that keeps us entangled in them.
We are holding an evening of mystery tonight in fact with that very aim.
I hope you swipe away from this read with a sense of feeling less alone with your own darkness.
And know that there are other men out there not afraid to meet you in it.
Reach out to me if you want to meet us and find out...