My Rules For Deep Inquiry...
May this help you to gain greater clarity about your purpose, identity and life's work
I’m writing about this now because ten men (including me) just set out on a ten week journey to answer our most niggling questions about our deeper work.
We’ve made this pact to help one another to see what we cannot see on our own and to gather the courage to start revealing it in the world.
Two challenges are present as we start.
The first is a tendency to want to move at lighting speed. To force the psyche (soul) to spill the beans pronto….
“Fucking universe! Just give me the cheat sheet already!”
The second is to fuss over one aspect, polishing it to perfection, ignoring the rest of the vital questions needing to be held and answered to flesh out the full beast.
For example, for some of us who are very seasoned in our fields, we may know why the work we wish to reveal is so vital. The urgency is there and the larger mission is becoming clear to us. And how we might do it is evident because we have become good and well paid for using certain tools, techniques and frameworks which are exciting and work well for us. But as we dare to heed a deeper calling, the people who our medicine is meant for and what precise challenges and hopes they hold may be hazy to us. Without taking time for those elements to be clarified, whatever we want to put out will seem vague, general and not so relevant or compelling.
So, here are some rules I have “discovered” over decades of shedding skins, changing careers and embarking on deeper work in new realms foreign to me…
You may ignore them and suffer frustration and impatience for doing so…. : )
1. Be in relationship with yourself…
Our psyche (definition = “soul”) does not wish to speak to us if we are a bully or a demanding child about how we relate to it.
We must approach slowly, with curiosity, care and deep respect. Like you would a wild animal, or even a stranger on the street.
Sometimes, I ask myself questions with playfulness. Other times with tearful reverence and vulnerability. The point is to be honest and show up ready to ask as if you are asking a dear friend.
2. Be open to weird stuff and track it…
The hardest part of asking important questions may be tolerating the pause that comes before we get anything.
The illusion here is that there is a blank page. That we are stuck and no ideas are coming.
If you ever try to meditate ~ simply observe the nature of your mind ~ you will learn quickly and constantly that our consciousness is always in in a rich and complex flow. Or as Dan Millman put it “There are no ordinary moments”.
There is never nothing going on.
The problem is our innate censor.
We ask a profound question and immediately dismiss who or whatever responds.
Thus, we need to exert a willful muscle to stay open and receive whatever weird download comes through.
And track it.
I don’t know how many times I had a weird image, strange song or confusing emotion pop up and when I jotted it down, sat with it, and often talked about it, it become clear that it was a vital clue to answer the question I was holding.
3. Show up regularly…
Part of the game afoot is not only about waiting and staying receptive, but about showing up, often.
Why does the red cardinal visit my garden every morning or the wild cat come most afternoons?
Is it because I want to see them when I want to see them or because I leave seeds and berries for the birds I adore, and I sit on the back porch, settling my nerves, ready to give the cat a stroke or a nibble?
Whether you ask yourself questions, you talk to a Higher Power, the muses, gods and goddess, feairies, consulting taro cards or whoever…
There is a certainty that the process becomes easier and faster to access when we set appointments and show up faithfully.
4. Respect the stage you are at…
Each stage of growth has different rhythms and needs. When we run ahead or behind and we are out of synch, feeling out of touch with the process.
Mark Silver of Heart of Business taught me this years ago and it changed everything for me working on several business, creative projects and as a therapist and mentor recognizing this plays out in healing work as well.
Mark’s suggestion when thinking about our business and various aspects of it to consider distinct stages of growth which I paraphrase below.
First is the dreaming and development. Second is telling people about it. Third is building systems and tweaking. And fourth is scaling and expanding.
How many times have I or someone I care about stuck in their work been trying to prematurely share or scale their work instead of tending it longer and perhaps doing a quiet pilot with an ideal audience?
Or conversely, how many times have I sat and polished a workshop or new creative idea for too long, fearful to show it to anyone just yet?
Respect the stage you are at also means thinking about ourselves as the work in progress.
My dear friend Larry Nusbaum has spent 40 years of honing his craft and magic. As he prepares to unveil it more in the world, he is at a stage of maturation and refinement that is different that another friend who just started working as a newly birthed coach with folks with ADHD. Both can learn a lot from one another and offer their deepest work. At the same time, the rhythm and way it is revealed will need to respect that the different stages of growth they are each in.
5. Be wild and linear….
The most important questions that we ask, we may circle for a life time.
Thinking about how each ring of a tree adds to the previous ones and how the most complex and elegant models of growth view it as a spiral.
With that in mind, it is best to be in the wild unknown mystery gathering clues, like breadcrumbs back home.
At the same time, when we wish to make wise and grounded decisions ~ like starting a new business, choosing a partner, devoting time on a large creative labour ~ it is also useful and necessary to break the big questions down into smaller ones that link together in a linear, progressive and narrative fashion.
That is why I designed a process for the men and I (see above) which tackles each main question in an order that allows us to build momentum.
Maybe to simplify what I mean as I try to explain this paradox, think of how you put together a large puzzle. Few of us do it hap hazzardly. Some work from the edges inwards. Others from one section out…
However you structure your inquiry, it is helpful to choose a deliberate process which you will follow to organize the many pieces and give yourself a sense of progress and order amidst the initial chaos and moments of possible overwhelm.
6. Re-iterate and Recalibrate as needed…
This is a rule I have only discovered recently as I hone work I have been doing for 20+ years and try to integrate the many diverse tools and experiences that have made up my life so far.
It is very common to discount past experiences and to get overwhelmed with all the possibilities ahead of us.
Often the deeper work that calls us, has left us clues embedded in the work we are currently doing, past lessons and the emerging musings that tug at us.
How to tease it out?
I take what is already working and tweak it.
Make adjustments that move me closer or further from that sense of deep work which has the following emerging qualities:
This is at the edge of my learning and growth.
This is calling me to serve in a deeper way.
This feels more vulnerable and personal for me.
This is more exciting and scary!
This is more relevant and vital! I have to do this!
Like a ship that is going in the general right direction (say West) but over time as the terrain is explored and exact destination discerned, the captain has to adjust a few degrees NorthWest or SouthWest…
The finer work is the re-calibrating. Checking the compass within and the rumblings of the world and the needs of the market outside of us. This is where the next rule helps.
7. Engage the Inner and Outer Worlds…
Big mistake many men and introverted folks make is to lean too heavily on the first one.
When we do, we unbalance ourselves.
One of our wings is bigger and the other and we start to fly in circles.
So grow your wing’s muscle and span evenly on both sides.
If you love talking it out, take time also to sit with yourself and inquire within.
If you are like me and prefer to spend time pondering in solitude, make sure to get out into nature and call trusted friends to talk it to test your ideas and whenever you reach the limit of your knowing.
8. Gather allies and join forces…
Taking off from the last point and I guess I could have stated this rule at the beginning because it is so primary, yet I left it last so you would remember it most.
“If you want to go faster, go alone.
If you want to go farther, go together.”
If you dare expand your idea of self and accept that it is actually impossible to fully realize any journey for deeper truth alone, you will embrace gathering allies around you.
If you are less convinced, check out the Johari Window, a conceptual image about what is knowable and unknowable.
Bottom line: We need one another to see ourselves more fully.
PS ~ Message me personally if you want to be on a waitlist for the next round of “The Great Reveal: a ten week intimate inquiry into your deeper work within a powerful container of men”. We’re only stepping into week 2 and it has been potent and revealing for me and the men so far.