"No honey, I am NOT actually paying attention to you..."
Why this might be a powerful way to prevent and repair hurt feelings between us
This happens all the time — everyday in fact — in my marriage.
One of us is not paying attention when the other expects them to be.
It can cause a lot of hurt feelings.
It used to be the main reason for our fights.
A little radical honesty has turned down the heat and helped us to quickly re-align to feel more deeply connected to one another.
If you can relate, I want to show you practically how to do this in your relationships.
Many of the men who I mentor report great results with this simple and powerful process.
First a ‘lil context…
What are the conditions that make this very likely?
Maybe it’s partly because we work at home together. And there are pockets of time when one of us is clearly not in work mode — at their desk or on a scheduled apt.
And so, during any in between time, we naturally expect to be able to connect.
To throw a comment or share a look.
And our “partner” is supposed to catch it.
In effect, to catch us.
When the signal is sent and received — as expected — everything works tickety boo!
But what about when it doesn’t?
Why it matters so much…
It’s not just about passing info back and forth and being efficient.
It’s an exchange that tell us we are in synch, we are a team and that we matter to one another.
So, when it doesn’t happen… When that flow back and forth is interrupted or blocked.
Sigh.
Everything breaks down in that moment.
The relationship itself is on pause.
And if you grew up not being able to securely trust your connections, it can even jeopardize the absence of the bond.
“Taking Ownership” is critical to restoring love…
I will own that the ball gets dropped and sometimes bounces off my head in my household and I have been terribly guilty of not catching it.
Not just talking about me being on my phone or tuning out my wife and daughter, but, worse…
Pretending to be paying attention.
I pretend to be ready to catch her, “Uhh. Yeah. Go on, honey…”
But a big part of my attention is still somewhere else…
The phone is an easy scapegoat.
It’s Not About the Shinny Screen…
Now I know — as I suspect that you do also — that it’s not all on me and my puny will power. There is a trillion dollar business called “The Attention Economy” whose one goal is to capture and steal my focus.
It’s main gateway drug is that phone in my hand which I thought was my tool but which I am being used and harvested by — that’s for another time to break down!
And yet, the phone (and screens in general) are not the culprit.
We have been struggling with distractions, half listening and outright ignoring one another for thousands of years.
Buddha spoke of it, first. As did the stoic philosophers, with Marcus Aurelius saying this twenty one hundred years ago:
“Get rid of all the distractions so you can focus on the things that matter.”
Another sigh.
So, Why do I do that!!?
Besides the pull of the phone, the innate struggle with mastering our own focus, and me hiding my distraction in a failed desire to please and appease others…
There is also a subtle power struggle at play, within me and between my loved ones and I.
On one hand, there is…
…Entitlement
I’m staring at you. Why don’t YOU give me your full attention (on demand) NOW!
And on the other hand there is…
…Self Absorption
I am silent and obviously not available… drooling over phone or in hyper work mode…
You should just read my mind and know to LEAVE ME ALONE…
Come back later…
Between these two poles there is a healthy zone where we are asking for and giving attention freely and with a generous heart.
Most of my life I have not know that space.
I bear lots of guilt and shame about unintentionally alienating loved ones.
I have also clocked enough time feeling frustrated and hurt, being on the other side, staring with astonishment at them ignoring me!
Well, after 46 turns around the sun as a man who is very sensitive and cares deeply about people in my life…
Here’s the solution I promised.
It starts with total honesty.
“Yeah, what? You talking to me?”
I don’t mean being so brusque.
At the same time, I don’t need to collapse into being a “nice guy” either.
The bottom line:
“Either I am giving myself to her fully
or I am not…”
That’s a direct quote from Antonio, a man who is making big beautiful changes in his marriage. He told me last night as he recounted himself being radically honest with his wife when he was not really with her.
Because I like to learn, teach and do better over time (especially in how I relate to others), I’m going to spell out now the actual steps involved.
This simple process is also how slowly my wife and I are healing the anger and hurt we have both felt when we throw the ball and the other does not catch it.
I recommend this two step (with the third — if needed)…
The most important first step…
This is where I OWN that I am not paying attention to people who matter… even if they are looking at me and talking to me.
“I’m sitting here but my mind is actually on a problem at work.
I am not able to take you in right now. Sorry.
Remember my pattern of trying to be a “good partner” and “nice guy” by pretending to listen.
None of that.
Radical honesty.
Busted.
It’s true.
No defensiveness needed.
Just own whether I am present or not.
And if divided in my attention — that that is so!
This critical step will ease your partner out of entitlement and tone down the need for them to go on the attack, nag or lecture.
Try it and see.
Know also, that the need is still there in the other person — they seek our attention, now.
So…
Step TWO ~ Take time to RE-ALIGN…
Once you have owned not being present to them, you have two choices in the moment.
One is to defer to a specific time when you will be more fully present…
Can we try in 10 minutes after I deal with this?”
And the other choice is to begin to shift attention towards the person seeking it.
When you decide to do this, pause first and…
TAKE a MOMENT.
Breathe.
Get up and shake it off. Do push ups.
Whatever is needed to “clear the cache” (clear your mind).
Once, and only once, I shift my attention more fully I then signal that I am actually ready to receive a download.
“Wait… I just need to (RE-ALIGN)
Ok. I am actually fully ready now to hear you. What’s up?”
Step THREE (If needed) ~ REPAIR…
Step one is critical. Step two comes into play when you turn towards people you love.
And may that be enough.
It can and will go a long way.
AND, sometimes, the past hangs heavy over the moment, still.
When there are hard feelings about the ways I have not shown up and/or faked it before, people will likely still experience a hangover of feeling unimportant, frustrated by my lack of attending to them.
If that is so, it’s better to address their pain asap rather than letting it fester any longer.
The master skill needed now (which I will lay out in more detail in a separate piece) is what I call “The Art of Repair”.
It’s the main reason my wife and I are not divorced. It’s also the key step we take often to grow deeper intimacy and make our bond stronger over time.
Here’s the thumbnail version…
It is not about tucking my tail between my legs and saying out of desperation, guilt, shame and even resentment…
“I’m sorry. Ok?
SUBTEXT = Can you stop being mad at me and move on already?!
Repairing with power and love is simple, yet it takes some guts and a willingness to be honest and open.
It’s something I do when I have the focus and I make space in my heart.
All it is in fact is about OWNING the IMPACT:
“Even though I know I am here now fully, ready to listen, the last few days I have been checked out and unavailable. It’s true.
And the impact on you is…
Either guess or ask them.
And say it back:
“I see the impact on you is that you’ve felt alone, frustrated, resentful, forgotten…”
And then let that land in your heart. Feel it.
Whatever happens next is bonus.
The Bottom Line…
I know I laid a simple idea and some very basic steps down for you.
But, I don’t expect you will heed my advice.
It is especially not easy to do the third step (repairing) if both of you have accumulated a mountain of hurt from years of neglect together.
What I do encourage you to focus on is the first step.
Be brave and be honest when you are not present fully.
Maybe, there is a reason you are ignoring or avoiding your partner or vice versa.
Maybe, you need more help from someone skillful to help you heal your relationship, or to end it with grace, compassion and respect.
I don’t know.
But, I do know, from playing peek-a-boo with my own loved ones, that we can only be found when we let ourselves be seen.
Let yourself be honest about where your mind and heart are held captive.
It is the first step towards reclaiming your freedom to create deeper intimacy, unbreakable bonds, and lasting love.
END NOTE ~ Now may be a good time to subscribe to our Substack here for two reasons. One, I’d love to keep sharing vital resources here and gotta feed the family. Two, all members (free and paid) will be getting a special invite to a private live workshop I am leading on removing the shame that blinds us to deeper intimacy and love and restores our innate power. I’ll be offer a huge discount also to this — to free and paid members on a first come basis. We’ll also cap it to 12 folks max.
PS ~ The cost of subscription will also go up in a few weeks. Nudge nudge, wink wink..